I've known for years. Oddly though, I never really knew until 9 years ago when I was sitting in a hotel room in Connecticut watching a program on MTV about eating disorders and they were following one girl's story who would go on massive binges where she'd eat a box of donuts and loads of cakes and candy bars in one sitting. Or she'd go to McDonald's and order several meals and eat them all herself. She'd hide food and gorge in private.
Watching her was like watching myself.
How on earth I didn't realize I had a problem until that moment, I will never know.
I used to go to drive-thrus and order myself food and then order two or three drinks to go along with it just so they wouldn't suspect it was all for me. I used to buy loads of stuff and then hide it in a bag and take it into the bathroom to eat while my boyfriend thought I was showering. I used to sit in my car in parking lots stuffing my face before I had to be somewhere and before I would head home.
Sometimes, when I'd eat so much that I physically hurt and felt nauseated, I would purge. I'd purge for some relief. But most of the time I didn't feel like I deserved to purge. I realize how messed up that sounds. I felt like I deserved to absorb all of the calories and sugar and fat in all of the food I ate because I had eaten it. Not purging was punishing myself.
This all started after I graduated from high school. It got worse and worse.
When I broke up with my boyfriend it hit an all time low. I lived alone and there was no one to hide from anymore. I could sit in front of the computer or the tv and eat until I couldn't move. I gained weight so rapidly that I still have the stretch marks to remind me.
But then I moved to England and my husband and I were literally together 24 hours a day. Sneaking food and binging was impossible. So I didn't. I didn't for several years as we worked together as well and there was literally no chance.
But since having our little boy, life has changed again. Now hubby is off at college and work and I'm at home with the little one. And those opportunities are there again. I go through phases of being able to control it and then phases of being completely out of control. But regardless of what phase I'm in, one thing is constant--the constant thinking about food and what I'm going to eat next. It's a battle in my head every single second of the day. It's an addiction that I fight to control. I fight so hard until I'm just exhausted to the point of not being able to fight anymore.
So why am I talking about this now? Today? Because these past two weeks I've been on a binge. It's been out of control. I've been sneaking food and hiding food and eating things I shouldn't in amounts that I definitely shouldn't when my husband isn't around.
I want to stop.
It's not a nice way to live. It's unhealthy and there is a lot of guilt associated with it. I don't want to sit around feeling guilty all of the time. I want to be healthy and happy.
I think it's time I admitted that I could use some real professional help.
Compuslive Overeating is a disorder very similar to Binge Eating Disorder. Except people with BED don't usually fantasize about food and that is one thing I do a lot of.
Symptoms of Compuslive Overeating:
- Eating faster than usual
- Eating past the point of fullness
- Eating when not physically hungry
- Eating alone or in secret
- Feeling upset or guilty after overeating
- Feeling that you are abnormal
- Feeling “taken over” or “driven” as if by an other presence in respect of eating
- Trying to compensate for overeating by dieting or restraining food or purging ( in the latter case you are suffering from bulimia)
Who are compuslive overeaters?
- Most but not all begin to eat compulsively after a period of dieting
- Most, but not all would describe themselves as kind
- Most put others first and attend to the needs of other people and not themselves
- Most, but not all have some difficulty knowing or expressing their needs
- Many, but not all lack clarity about how they feel and cannot manage their feelings properly
- Most, but not all have low self worth
- Most , but not all need to be liked
- Psychologically they are otherwise not
different to people who eat normally except among those who are
particularly overweight
Food like ice cream, chocolate, biscuits and French fries which are rich in fats or sugars affect the same regions of the brain which are stimulated by drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. Trying to stop eating these foods can lead to withdrawal symptoms.
