Compulsive Overeating

I have a problem.

I've known for years. Oddly though, I never really knew until 9 years ago when I was sitting in a hotel room in Connecticut watching a program on MTV about eating disorders and they were following one girl's story who would go on massive binges where she'd eat a box of donuts and loads of cakes and candy bars in one sitting. Or she'd go to McDonald's and order several meals and eat them all herself. She'd hide food and gorge in private.

Watching her was like watching myself.

How on earth I didn't realize I had a problem until that moment, I will never know.

I used to go to drive-thrus and order myself food and then order two or three drinks to go along with it just so they wouldn't suspect it was all for me. I used to buy loads of stuff and then hide it in a bag and take it into the bathroom to eat while my boyfriend thought I was showering. I used to sit in my car in parking lots stuffing my face before I had to be somewhere and before I would head home.

Sometimes, when I'd eat so much that I physically hurt and felt nauseated, I would purge. I'd purge for some relief. But most of the time I didn't feel like I deserved to purge. I realize how messed up that sounds. I felt like I deserved to absorb all of the calories and sugar and fat in all of the food I ate because I had eaten it. Not purging was punishing myself.

This all started after I graduated from high school. It got worse and worse.

When I broke up with my boyfriend it hit an all time low. I lived alone and there was no one to hide from anymore. I could sit in front of the computer or the tv and eat until I couldn't move. I gained weight so rapidly that I still have the stretch marks to remind me.

But then I moved to England and my husband and I were literally together 24 hours a day. Sneaking food and binging was impossible. So I didn't. I didn't for several years as we worked together as well and there was literally no chance.

But since having our little boy, life has changed again. Now hubby is off at college and work and I'm at home with the little one. And those opportunities are there again. I go through phases of being able to control it and then phases of being completely out of control. But regardless of what phase I'm in, one thing is constant--the constant thinking about food and what I'm going to eat next. It's a battle in my head every single second of the day. It's an addiction that I fight to control. I fight so hard until I'm just exhausted to the point of not being able to fight anymore.

So why am I talking about this now? Today? Because these past two weeks I've been on a binge. It's been out of control. I've been sneaking food and hiding food and eating things I shouldn't in amounts that I definitely shouldn't when my husband isn't around.

I want to stop.

It's not a nice way to live. It's unhealthy and there is a lot of guilt associated with it. I don't want to sit around feeling guilty all of the time. I want to be healthy and happy.

I think it's time I admitted that I could use some real professional help.

Compuslive Overeating is a disorder very similar to Binge Eating Disorder. Except people with BED don't usually fantasize about food and that is one thing I do a lot of.

Symptoms of Compuslive Overeating:

• Eating faster than usual
• Eating past the point of fullness
• Eating when not physically hungry
• Eating alone or in secret
• Feeling upset or guilty after overeating
• Feeling that you are abnormal
• Feeling “taken over” or “driven” as if by an other presence in respect of eating
• Trying to compensate for overeating by dieting or restraining food or purging ( in the latter case you are suffering from bulimia) 

Who are compuslive overeaters?

• Most but not all begin to eat compulsively after a period of dieting
• Most, but not all would describe themselves as kind
• Most put others first and attend to the needs of other people and not themselves
• Most, but not all have some difficulty knowing or expressing their needs
• Many, but not all lack clarity  about how they feel and cannot manage their feelings properly
• Most, but not all have low self worth
• Most , but not all need to be liked
• Psychologically they are otherwise not different to people who eat normally except   among those who are particularly overweight
  
  

  Food like ice cream, chocolate, biscuits and French fries which are rich in fats or sugars affect the same regions of the brain which are stimulated by drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. Trying to stop eating these foods can lead to withdrawal symptoms. 

  
  

  
  

Weigh-In Wednesday

I am so excited! Another 1.5 pounds off this week and I got my 2 stone award!

Last week I got my Club 10. I have this habit of having a gain after receiving an award as if I subconsciously sabotage myself. But this week I really worked hard at staying on track as I really wanted another loss. Every time I have a gain it feels like it puts me three weeks behind where I should have been since you have a week of gaining and then a week of taking it back off before you can get back to having a loss.

But, yes! I did it! HELL YES!

That is TWENTY-EIGHT POUNDS!

I was a size 26/28 when I started this. All of my clothes are too big now. This week I got some tops and trousers in 20 and 22 from a couple other ladies doing the sponsored slim. I held up the 22's and thought, "These are going to be too small." Guess what? Too big. I am now a size 20. That's an 18 in American sizes. I just can't believe it. Can't believe it.

Weigh-In Wednesday

I lost 2.5 pounds this week and I'm chuffed about it!

I was really good this week. I had good restraint and tried eating different things to help with the boredom. I have a tendency to find something I like and then eat it until I'm sick of it. I've always been that way. So, I'm trying to break out of that a bit.

I've also started trying to cut portions a bit more. When I started in January I would have two slices of wholemeal bread with an egg on each. Last month I cut it down to 2 eggs on one slice of toast. But this week I cut it down to one egg on one piece of toast.

If I can lose 1.5 pounds this week that will be 2 STONE!!

Weigh-In Wednesday

I DID IT!

I only had half a pound loss this week so I barely made it, but I got my Club 10 award! I've now lost 10% of my body weight since starting Slimming World in January.

This is taken from Slimming World's website:

10 great reasons for losing 10% of your body weight

1. Lower blood pressure, reduce your risk of heart disease and stroke and lower your need for medication.
2. Reduce the risk of developing type 2 diabetes. If you have diabetes weight loss could improve your diabetes control and reduce the need for medication.
3. Lower blood cholesterol levels which are associated with increased risk from heart disease.
4. Reduce strain on the joints and improve back and joint pain.
5. Your lungs function better and reduce breathlessness.
6. Improve mood and self-esteem.
7. Improve asthma and reduce the need for medication.
8. Become more mobile, making it easier to be more active.
9. Improve fertility and menstrual problems.
10. Reduce the risk of certain obesity-related cancers such as cancers of the breast, uterus, cervix, ovaries and gall bladder.

I can tell you that I am definitely feeling the benefits. I still have a long way to go so I can't "see" the loss as much as I wish I could but I can feel it. Mood and self-esteem have definitely gone up. I've also noticed stairs are soooo much easier now. I still dread them when I come to them but then once I start going up I remember that it isn't difficult anymore. I feel like I'm bouncing up the stairs!

I have a long road ahead of me still, but it feels good to hit such a major milestone.

Weigh-In Wednesday

I never got around to updating about last week's weigh-in and it's not even because it was bad news!

I lost another 1.5 pounds and just missed getting my 10% award by half a pound. Slimming World gives you an award for losing 10% of your body weight from the time you started. I am now down a total of 23.5 pounds since January.

Unfortunately, because of the amount of weight  I have to lose, I don't really see that much of a difference. I can feel it though. Not massively, but I can feel it.

Weigh-in again tonight. I'm afraid it's not going to be good news this week though. I have not logged my food all week and I've been quite bad too. On Sunday I cracked and overindulged on chocolate as my son received SO much of it. But I'll go to the meeting tonight, get weighed, and move on to a new week.

Weigh-In Wednesday

Miraculously lost a pound this week.

This week started with me feeling quite low. I think the weather helped pick me up a bit later in the week but at the start, it was a real struggle for me.

This week has included a McDonald's meal, a pub meal, a big ice cream cone at the beach, chocolate (more than I should have had) and birthday cake.

I even ate some dinner before my weigh-in tonight when I normally don't eat for at least 4 hours before I go.

So, I was really surprised by the scales tonight. It may all catch up with me this week though so I really need to work hard to stay on plan this week. And, I know I can do it.

A Little Rant Sparked by Facebook

I am so tired of seeing memes and photos online making fun of fat people. This kind of stuff gets posted on Facebook every day, including from friends of mine.

I don't find it amusing at all.

People don't seem to understand that people don't get to be 400, 500, 600 pounds because they're lazy and they eat too much. Most people who are very obese are that way because of other issues. Often food is used as a way of self-medicating. Many very obese people have been physically and/or sexually abused in childhood. You don't know anything about the people you are making fun of in these pictures.

It makes me sad and lately it's been really starting to make me mad.

Weigh-In Wednesday

Well, I lost 1.5 pounds this week I got my stone and a half award tonight! That means I've lost a total of 21 pounds.

I've been struggling a bit but I've been doing okay. I've started logging all of my food on My Fitness Pal and it's been good to see what my daily caloric intake looks like. It's actually been quite low and on a few days I fell just under 1200 calories which is apparently the minimum anyone should be eating, according to MFP. It's weird to be told I'm not eating enough when I'm eating plenty of food... it's just what I'm eating.

I really really need to get off my butt and start working out. I've felt so down lately that it's been hard to give myself that push but I should make a deal with myself to just do it this week. Anything is better than nothing.

Struggle

I'm really struggling tonight trying to fight cravings.

I've been having a rough 24 hours with the little one. I think he's sick or something is hurting, or something. He's just being a monster and it's not like him. I'm having a hard time coping and it's just making me want to eat. I wish I understood why.

I guess it's good that I'm recognizing it, but it's really not helping to make it any better.

I. JUST. WANT. TO EAT.

It sucks having issues with food.

“Never trade what you want most for what you want in the moment.”

This is my mantra for the night.

Weigh-In Wednesday

I put a pound on this week.

Last week I said I wasn't going to get crazy on my birthday but it's exactly what I did. And I spent all week trying to make up for it.

I wish it hadn't happened. But it did, now it's over and I've already moved on.

I have a new week ahead of me. If I can get that pound back off along with an extra half then I'll get my stone and a half award next week. Easy peasy. I can do it.

A Visual Reminder

I orginally came across this idea on Pinterest which linked to Hot Mess Princess. I looked for jars to use for this for ages and just couldn't find anything that I liked. I finally settled for pint glasses. Wilkinsons was selling sets of four for 88p. That's cheap and I like cheap. A sheet of letter stickers for £1 at The Range and two bags of marbles for 50p each at Home Bargains.

The title of my blog says I have 93 pounds to lose but that was from the start of my blog. My actual goal from the start was 100lbs. So, here are my Motiviational Marbles.

80 to lose, 20 lost!

In control

Over the past week I've been attempting to eat smaller portions of food at meals and to cut out snacking in between. During this time I've made a discovery.

This is going to sound completely ridiculous, but all this time (my entire adult life) I think I've been mistaking not-being-full for being hungry.

Wow.

Just, wow.

I've known for years that I've had food addiction problems and problems with emotional eating. But this revelation has just blown me away.

I've spent the week trying to enjoy the feeling of not being full.

This must sound so ridiculous to other people.

I'm feeling very in control of myself at the moment. I'm managing to eat healthfully and to control my appetite. I'm very focused on my goals at the moment.

Newspaper articles

Our local newspaper has been great about supporting our sponsored slim. I haven't posted the first article here yet but will do so now. They published another article today about the girls who did a free Moky session this week. They've been great about getting us publicity!

Sponsored slim for stillbirth charity in memory of Carlisle baby

Carlisle slimmers use Moky moves to raise funds for charity

This week's weigh-in

I've now lost a total of 18 pounds since the 4th of January. 

I lost two pounds this week. I was really happy with that loss considering the bad day I had this week. I was prepared for the scale to tell me something I didn't really want to hear and realized that I was okay with that. I've had a major shift in my attitude this week and I know that it doesn't matter how fast or slow the weight comes off because it's going to come off and that's all that matters. So every week that I have a loss is a really good week no matter how small.

On Plan

The past few days have gone really well. I've been staying on plan even though it's sometimes a struggle. I get plenty to eat and I eat food that I like but I still fight cravings.

I've started incorporating some exercise into my plan. I've done some Moky (dance aerobics) with some Youtube videos like this one:

It's fun so hopefully it's something I can stick with. I've also started a floor workout that has been provided to the sponsored slimmers by Floor Fit - Carlisle. And, we have a rowing machine that I will get some use out of as well.

I quit drinking diet soda a few weeks ago and it's really made a difference in my appetite. And I no longer have to think about the awful stuff that aspartame might be doing to my body.

I've got some Linda McCartney vegetarian sausages in the oven that need to come out so I'm off to finish making my lunch.

Comfort Eating

Why is it that some of us comfort eat? If I could change certain things about myself, comfort eating would be a contender for the top spot.

My husband and I have made the decision to move from the northwest of England to Glasgow, Scotland. It wasn't an easy choice but we decided it will be best for our family in the long term. So for now it's a great source of stress.

The moment we officially made the decision I told him I kept switching between feeling like I wanted to sit down with a big bowl of pasta and bread to wanting to puke. Instead, I went with a Big Mac meal followed by a pint of Ben & Jerry's from the grocery store.

It made me feel better.

Why??? It hasn't changed the fact that we're moving , we're going to be poorer, we're going to have no support around us and that I'm going to have to attempt to find friends again.

It also will not have helped with my weight loss.

Usually, I feel guilty when I do something like that. But I didn't this time. Instead, I woke up the next morning, realized it was a new day, and was back on plan.

The lack of guilt this time actually helped. The last time I ate bad I beat myself up over it for days which led to days of bad eating. A vicious cycle that I've managed to avoid this time by simply acknowledging that yeah, I probably shouldn't have done that but it's one meal out 21 this week and it doesn't have to destroy me.

Another new start

I'm going to call today Day 1.

I've been struggling the past week and a half so it's time to draw a line under it and start again. This is why I've decided to start blogging. I hope it will help keep me focused on my goal.

My main goal right now is just to try to lose something each week. I'm currently participating in a sponsored slim and friends and family  have donated money to support me and the cause. We are raising money for the charity SANDS in memory of a little boy named Alfie-Joe who was born sleeping.

Just Giving Page
If someone comes across this and would like to support me and/or this cause, any size of donation is welcome and appreciated.